Having already established that the better choice in life is to take responsibility over placing blame - at least if we want to build relationships - the next step is to figure out how to both muster the courage to take responsibility and also build safe environments to allow others to take responsibility.
It strikes me, based on a sample size of 3 children, that the fear of consequences is one of the major, if not THE major, hindrance to taking responsibility for our actions. When we don't know how others will respond to our confession, our admission of responsibility, it makes taking that step even harder.
Interestingly, in the Rosh Hashanah (New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) services there are a number of times we recite the Vidui (confessional) prayer. It's almost poem like in our alphabetical recitation of our sins and it is done in the communal form - using plural language. We all stand together and out loud list these sins. Obviously the intent is not that each person actually committed the sins but rather it is possible that any one of us in the room may have committed the sins listed. The act of confession is depersonalized to both make it clear that others may have also committed the sin but also to make the sinner feel less ostracized, in fact, not at all ostracized.
On an individual level we are instructed to turn to those we know we have harmed and ask for their forgiveness. We are instructed to forgive those who have hurt us, even if they don't ask for forgiveness. And we are instructed to turn to those we don't know we have harmed to ask for their forgiveness in the event that we did harm them unwittingly.
On the one hand this is lovely because it normalizes the idea of asking for and giving forgiveness. On the other hand I struggle with the depersonalization. It's as if by going to services and reciting with everyone this poem-like list, all is clean and good for the year to come. We don't take the time to really think on an individual and personal level about what we have done. Perhaps that list can help us consider ways we have harmed others that we may not have realized. What is lacking for me in this religious ritual is the opportunity to make it personal. How am I to move from the formality of the services on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and really change my behavior, my way of viewing the world, my way of interacting with others, if I don't think about the past year on a personal level?
It is certainly safer to take responsibility this way, in a group, in a fairly impersonal manner. But does it really help us to build our relationships in the coming year? It seems to me that this practice effectively does an end-run around the idea of taking responsibility and instead has us focus more on the confession itself as a means to an end.
I haven't unraveled this all yet...strangely, it's complicated. Stay tuned!
It strikes me, based on a sample size of 3 children, that the fear of consequences is one of the major, if not THE major, hindrance to taking responsibility for our actions. When we don't know how others will respond to our confession, our admission of responsibility, it makes taking that step even harder.
Interestingly, in the Rosh Hashanah (New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) services there are a number of times we recite the Vidui (confessional) prayer. It's almost poem like in our alphabetical recitation of our sins and it is done in the communal form - using plural language. We all stand together and out loud list these sins. Obviously the intent is not that each person actually committed the sins but rather it is possible that any one of us in the room may have committed the sins listed. The act of confession is depersonalized to both make it clear that others may have also committed the sin but also to make the sinner feel less ostracized, in fact, not at all ostracized.
On an individual level we are instructed to turn to those we know we have harmed and ask for their forgiveness. We are instructed to forgive those who have hurt us, even if they don't ask for forgiveness. And we are instructed to turn to those we don't know we have harmed to ask for their forgiveness in the event that we did harm them unwittingly.
On the one hand this is lovely because it normalizes the idea of asking for and giving forgiveness. On the other hand I struggle with the depersonalization. It's as if by going to services and reciting with everyone this poem-like list, all is clean and good for the year to come. We don't take the time to really think on an individual and personal level about what we have done. Perhaps that list can help us consider ways we have harmed others that we may not have realized. What is lacking for me in this religious ritual is the opportunity to make it personal. How am I to move from the formality of the services on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and really change my behavior, my way of viewing the world, my way of interacting with others, if I don't think about the past year on a personal level?
It is certainly safer to take responsibility this way, in a group, in a fairly impersonal manner. But does it really help us to build our relationships in the coming year? It seems to me that this practice effectively does an end-run around the idea of taking responsibility and instead has us focus more on the confession itself as a means to an end.
I haven't unraveled this all yet...strangely, it's complicated. Stay tuned!
Comments
Post a Comment