An Instant In An Eternity

Shimon Peres (z''l) left the world yesterday and shortly will be buried right before Rosh Hashanah. Many years ago when I was an intern with AIPAC I was assisting an Israeli member of Knesset at the policy conference. He had a meeting with Peres and was running late or needed to reschedule. He told me to call up to Peres' suite and take care of it. So I called and started to explain the situation to the person on the other end of the phone. Yep, it was Peres himself who answered the phone. He was so very nice to me and passed the phone to his scheduler to take care of whatever I had called about! He was a giant of a leader. He had the right kind of outlook and perspective. This. Just this. I leave it for you.

At the end of the day, even with all the frustrations and challenges that may come from our relationships with family, hopefully, there exists a foundation of love on which to rest. In those days when we have to face up to the fact that our family is imperfect, that our relationships are flawed, that something is lacking for us, having that foundation beneath us can help us keep standing. There are certainly families and relationships where that foundation of love is cracked, or even failing. So then the work that needs to be done is more intensive because repairing the foundation must either come first or together with the other work needed. That can be hard. And there are situations where the foundation is just flat out missing. If we can see what our foundation is - solid, cracking, damaged, failing, or missing altogether - that can help us as we work on the rest of our house. And hopefully someone has a pot of macaroni and cheese cooking on the stove top.

I've been finding the relationships between words engaging and interesting. Looking at blame/responsibility and excuse/explain has led me to another pair of words recently often on my mind. Growth and development One can have growth without development which eventually will come crumbling down upon itself for the stagnation. Like an 8 foot tall 2 year old! One can have development without growth and likely will reach limits that impede the development. Like with technologies that are more and more developed to the point the company hasn't grown enough to support the development and so they are sold or closed down. There is a fine point, that sweet spot, that tipping point, where the balance between growth and development is at its best. Many would argue that urban development is a current example of this kind of imbalance - in most any place. We certainly see it here in Israel as our town is looking to fill each and every space that can take an apartment buildi...

There is a remarkably fine line between making excuses and offering explanations. It can be quite challenging to know the difference and that confusion can lead to difficulties. We work hard to help our children learn the difference between making an excuse for behavior versus offering an explanation to help figure out how or why something happened. Sometimes it is helpful to get the background but sometimes it just confuses matters. The balance between excuse and explain is similar to the one I have been pondering between blame and responsibility. Sometimes when we are trying to assign responsibility we actually end up placing blame. Both are a bit of a slippery slope that we should only start down with great caution. Strangely the challenge of excuses versus explanations is more easily addressed with children, which also tells me that it's more commonly understood as opposed to blame versus responsibility. We'd all do better to see the fine line between the two.

Having already established that the better choice in life is to take responsibility over placing blame - at least if we want to build relationships - the next step is to figure out how to both muster the courage to take responsibility and also build safe environments to allow others to take responsibility. It strikes me, based on a sample size of 3 children, that the fear of consequences is one of the major, if not THE major, hindrance to taking responsibility for our actions. When we don't know how others will respond to our confession, our admission of responsibility, it makes taking that step even harder. Interestingly, in the Rosh Hashanah (New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) services there are a number of times we recite the Vidui (confessional) prayer. It's almost poem like in our alphabetical recitation of our sins and it is done in the communal form - using plural language. We all stand together and out loud list these sins. Obviously the intent is not that...

Family - again on that topic today (too long of a week led to an earlier bedtime last night so no time to write). Being in the midst of sorting through all manner of family related matters keeps this subject at the forefront for me and constantly relevant and in need of attention. Life is hard, messy, complicated, fun, challenging, exciting, terrifying, and so much more. And family, well, family is just a whole hot mess, basically. We can either choose to ignore the mess and go along as best as possible pretending that what we have is good enough or we can see the mess and try to clean it up as best as possible for a better environment. What I do know is that I will grow and change as a result of the hard work needed and I am confident that I will be happier with whom I become. And I believe that is true for everyone else. Now if you were given any kind of guarantee on family being easy and tidy, please scan and send me a copy so I can see if any of the warranty papers I have s...

We fundamentally have two choices in life - take responsibility or place blame. (Obviously we have many more choices when we are at an ice cream store!) My last post was on family and the challenges that face families in building and maintaining the connectedness that is necessary to an extended family. I was recently at a meeting where the concepts of responsibility and blame were raised. Digging deeper we talked about how when family members recognize their responsibility, recognize their roles and take ownership of them, that's how family is built, supported, and encouraged. On the flip side when family members blame others for the real or perceived faults that blaming act only breaks down and destroys whatever relationship there was. It's hard to take responsibility for ourselves. We work hard to teach our young children to do that. Owning that, "yes, I hit my brother because it was more efficient than talking through my frustrations about him having the last p...

We all come from a family, whether we belong to a family or not at the moment. By family, I mean there are people with whom you are closely, genetically related. I'm tackling a new project this week that involves making a number of phone calls. It's been fun and rewarding so far. Interestingly tonight as I made a few of the phone calls I was struck by some family connected-ness that I encountered. One call was to an old, dear friend. Our lives seem to keep crossing paths in a fairly informal kind of way - enough to keep our friendship alive but not necessarily deepen it or harm it, either. After some time living in other parts of the US she moved back to where she grew up and has sunk down deep roots. I was struck as we finished our chat about how nice that must be for her to be in a place so close to her family. Her family bonds remain strong so when a major family event happens they all gather, even if they all aren't in the same town. It's remarkable, really. A...

We all have those to do lists - they are fundamentally never ending. And while on the one hand that helps ensure we have a reason to be here the next day, it can also be totally overwhelming and infuriating. There never seems to be an end. There is always more to do. If there is always more to do, perhaps, just perhaps, it might be easier just to push forward doing the things that you are good at; those things that are comfortable; those things with minimal or no risk. Where is the advancement? Where is the personal or community development? And most of all, where is the fun? At the end of last week I learned that the elementary school teachers were short shelving units at the school. To them, the staff, the lack of a budget is a huge problem. They know that there is a need or something missing that would improve the school environment. But that's where their engagement typically ends. It's just too large of a to do item for any of them to put on their list. So it goe...

You know, some weeks can be harder to start than others. Facing down that Monday morning, or in our case, Sunday morning, can be daunting. The pace of life in Israel is unrelenting in so many ways - not the least of it is based on the week. Our kids go to school Sunday through Friday, and while a standard work week is Sunday to Thursday, many people work on Friday and even those officially off often find there is work to be done, not to mention all the prep for Shabbat and getting to stores before they close at 2pm. And then, that one delicious day off is Shabbat. And for those of us who are Shomer Shabbat (Shabbat observant) that means one the one hand it's a quiet, at home kind of day. On the other hand it's a day that can lead to contemplating various household projects that should be done, but at the moment are not possible. And then Sunday morning comes and the rush of the week starts again. It is a rush because Israelis work too hard, too many hours. Our kids are busy w...

I'm working my way slowly through the book Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam . In a nutshell, which has to be pretty big because it's a hefty book, it's about social behaviors and the decline of them in the US - things like voting and participating in the political process at all levels, and engaging with volunteer and community efforts. Chapter six looks at Informal Social Connections. At paragraph two of the chapter he mentions the Yiddish words macher and schmoozer . That stopped me in my tracks for a moment. He continued to explain that fundamentally a macher is a doer, someone who makes things happen in the community. Whereas a schmoozer is a talker, a person with an active social life, someone who focuses on informal connections to others. And while it is certainly nice to sit and talk with someone, at the end of the day that's all a schmoozer does. Alternatively, the macher will sit and visit with you and then either your roped into helping or the macher...

It's that hyper-typical interview question: "what is your greatest strength?" or "what are your strengths?" Usually that's followed up with a question about the opposite, but that's for another post. So from a fairly young, and frankly immature age, we face down this idea of having things we do well, characteristics that are predominant in our nature, skills that we have triumphed over to levels mere mortals only dream of attaining. And so we articulate our answers in the interview setting, or we internalize these sound bites as who we are. And we grow up, which frankly, I'm mostly dodging! But we do, we mature, we age, we ripen, with time. And hopefully not only do we gain wider perspective, but we deepen our strengths, understand them better, and turn our focus in those directions. But sometimes we wake one day, literally or figuratively, and realize that we have been following those strengths and we're not sure we like where we are. ...

We are a part of the Masorti community here in Yokneam. Having grown up in Reform communities, engaged with Conservative and Orthodox programs and communities during our early adult years (which I hope we're still technically in!), we've been exposed to a great variety of ways to observe Judaism. We were raised by parents and in communities where religious observance is a journey of our lifetimes that ebbs and flows as our life unfolds. That's not really how Israelis see religion which leads to this diametrical opposition of Religious (aka - Orthodox) and Secular camps with a huge gaping hole in the middle. It's no man's land. Apparently it's extremely dangerous is an unknown kind of way to step foot there. If you are Religious and consider doing something Secular it's the end of time, and if you are Secular and consider doing something Religious, yep, end of time! Well that's a gross simplification because there are certainly people who move betwe...

Communities, no matter how hard they might try, are not monolithic. Even if everyone comes together for a shared purpose, within the community smaller pockets will emerge. A strong community will allow for those dynamic elements and find a way to keep them connected. A weak community will see the "other" as part of "dangerous factions" who are a threat to the overall fabric of the larger community. We see this often at the national level when one dominant ethnic group wields power over another and there is conflict, or worse. Or within political parties, especially common here in Israel, where splintering into new, smaller parties is preferable to being a more dynamic and inclusive group. And we see it in religion, and in particular we see it in Judaism. There is one large umbrella of Judaism; one overarching set of principals that are fundamental to the concept of the religion. But then as hairs start to split, populations move from one country to another, trad...

It may be technically Monday on the clock now, but my night is still winding down. I thought I would take just a moment to jot down a few thoughts - even as I know being in front of a screen before sleeping isn't wise. Oh there are so many things we are "supposed" to do, right? Stop the screens X amount of time before going to sleep. Drink eight glasses of water a day, get 30 minutes of cardiovascular exercise a day, eat kale, and on and on. And then we do this crazy thing and bring kids into this world and magically become parents. And that list of what to do...it grows with our kids! That's my point tonight - I went to see Bad Moms tonight with a mom friend. I was crying from laughing at some points. And a few other times because there was crap in my eye. But that's what happens with age. Seriously, there was an eyelash or dust or something, there is nothing sappy worth crying about in this low-brow film. It brought to my mind the movie Bring It On from da...

Not much easier to kill than some momentum when you're striking out on your own. It's hard to stay upbeat, enthusiastic, positive, motivated. Trying to stay focused on where we are oriented in the Jewish calendar and tune into the reality that we are in the run-up to the start of the year can be easily lost in the static and noise of life. Every day brings us a myriad of challenges, demands, tasks, and opportunities. Sometimes we do in fact have to set aside our plan because it is just no feasible. Yesterday, for example, the arrival of our house guest who occupied the office space where my computer sits made it impossible for me to get to my computer to put some thoughts down. That and all the cooking and preparing for Shabbat was also a distraction, because I could have certainly stopped earlier in the day before the guest arrived and taken a few minutes, alone, to myself to complete this task. For me, that's just it. All to often the finding the few minutes or more o...

Tonight we were honored to be invited to celebrate a friend's 70th birthday. Due to family health issues in her parents' generation, she never expected such longevity. Accordingly, she saw fit to throw a full on shindig to celebrate making it to 70. She took a few minutes tonight to share some thoughts and we also had a chance to speak directly. Her core point is that in this complicated, turmoil filled world, where danger and conflict lurk ever present, we have to, we must, we are obligated to celebrate and mark any and all opportunities we have that are happy and joyous. You could see in her face, as is true whenever you see her, that she is filled with joy and happiness and it is self-inflicted. By seeking out the happy, finding the moments to celebrate at the drop of a hat, and always knowing there is good out there, we can and must fill ourselves with happiness. It is far too easy to be filled with dread, sadness, and depression. It is not easy to work to the happy - i...

Still on the topic of the Jewish month of Elul and the idea of contemplation as we approach the Jewish New Year and Day of Atonement. My eldest son had homework tonight about what the Hebrew letters of the word Elul (א  ל  ו  ל) can remind us of in the liturgy. The most commonly known one is: I am to my beloved and my beloved is to me אני לדודי ודודי לי It is often translated, however, as: I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine This line comes from the book Song of Songs . But the Hebrew does in fact translate to indicate the directionality in the relationship - each is to the other. We are facing our beloved, we are juxtaposed one to the other. And that goes back to my earlier post about intimacy and atonement. Our relationship with those closest to us, including our beloved, can be intimate and authentic when we actually face the other, turn to the other, make ourselves fully present and vulnerable to the other. To become two halves of a who...

It's day three of the month. That would be of the month of Elul, the Jewish month prior to the New Year and Day of Atonement. This should be a time of contemplation and reflection on the past year and looking forward. I've never really cued into this month particularly well. Typically it starts as the summer vacation is ending and then with all the rush into the school year, BOOM!, we're at Rosh Hashanah and that opportunity to take Elul and contemplate is gone. Not this year, the holidays are late - as opposed to early, they are never on time! So the kids started school and then it was the start of Elul and I noticed this year. I paid attention to my kids needing to wear white shirts to school to mark the start of the month. And yet, I am already finding the month slipping past me and having to work harder and harder to remember before I head to bed to put my fingers to the keys and stop and think and share. I didn't set out announcing that I hoped to mark the...

Last night I went to a talk given by Dr. Avivah Gottlieb Zornberg last night. She spoke about guilt, atonement, and intimacy. My takeaway from this evening, even as I am still unraveling what she laid out for us is as follows. Elul has been described as like a bird hovering over a nest - waiting, ready to arrive, not yet there, but at the same time present. From this point she moved to the relationship between G-d and Moshe. After all of Moshe's hard work to build, carefully, diligently, the Tent of Meeting (אוהל מועד), Moshe remains outside, as if hovering over the nest, waiting to enter, unable to enter. Calling to others - as G-d calls to Moshe - is our way of calling attention to the other with whom we want to speak. Saying a person's name indicates that we have a desire to speak to her and elevates the communication, adding impact and intimacy of the conversation. Interestingly when Israelis talk to each other there is always a great amount of time asking each other...

Today, September 4th, is the first day of the Hebrew month Elul. Elul is the month that leads us to the Hebrew month of Tishrei. During Tishrei we celebrate the Jewish New Year, the Day of Atonement, and the Harvest Festival of Succot. It's a big month; lots of thought, contemplation, introspection, revelation - at the personal level. So appropriately the month before is taken as a run-up to this most important of months. I woke up this morning and thought about the idea of New Year's resolutions - so popular in the US. Not quite such a thing here in Israel, or in the Jewish community in general. I suspect part of it is that the celebration of the Jewish New Year is not a single day, wait for the ball to drop, kind of moment. Rather we take two days to celebrate the arrival of the New Year with customs and traditions in the home and larger community. And then we follow that up with the Day of Atonement 10 days later, with those ten days being viewed as solemn days of contempl...